Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Love doesn’t come in perfect packages, that means I qualify (Third Eye Blind)

(I actually first wrote this over a month ago but never intended to post it. It was just something that I wish I could say. However, I believe it contains a message that can resonate with others)

We look at people, maybe even hear a few things, and automatically start judging- good and/or bad.
The deepest thoughts of the mind are often hidden until the owner of those thoughts works up the courage to say something.

I’ve hidden my secret, even denied it to myself, because I felt like society was telling me that something was wrong with me. Something wrong that wasn’t okay to tell, even to my family. Something wrong that would make others uncomfortable. At some points in my life, I really did feel unlovable.

I still felt like something was unspeakably wrong with me until recently. Then I started watching videos of people with similar problems to mine. (I highly suggest you go to youtube and type in "tedxtalks mental illness") They were speaking up and saying this thing that was “wrong” was actually okay. It wasn’t something to be ashamed of, just something to go through and conquer as much as possible. In fact, by speaking up, they were feeling even better about it and some were even saving lives. These speakers made me feel that maybe what is wrong with me isn’t something I have to hide. When people get the flu, have heart disease, or have an injury they don’t feel like they have to hide it from the world. Why do I have to hide my problem?

Why suddenly, does it become wrong to talk about something that is a little “off” in the brain?

Why does admitting that I have mild chronic depression (though this has gotten better with a healthy lifestyle it is still present in my life) and social anxiety (I know I can hide it well sometimes) seem so wrong and hard?

Does this make you think of me differently? Will it make you feel uncomfortable the next time you see me? Do you now feel like this is something people should hide? Is it not okay to talk about or tell others I have it?

I hope not. I have come to realize that the little things that are off in my brain have made me a more caring and empathetic person. What’s not okay is that my problems once led me to a period that I had lost all hope, I was doing harmful things to my body, and I was taking pills I shouldn’t have been taking. This never would have happened if I had felt it was okay to talk about it. It is not okay that thousands of people have had to feel way worse than they should have because they were afraid to ask for help. Chances are you know quite a few people that have a mental disorder and don’t even know it.

I took advantage of a health issues art project in high school
to share how I felt with others without actually having to admit to anyone
I felt like this.
(My theme was the pain "release" from self-harm)
I don’t want to feel ashamed or afraid of my problems anymore when they have actually made me a better person. I don’t want other people to feel bad about their problems either. While my social anxiety still prevents me (at the moment) from starting an actual face to face conversation, I still want to speak up.

Actually, I want to do more than speak up….

I want to speak up AND make others feel better.

I think, over the past few weeks, the universe/God/ inner guide/ whatever you want to call it, has presented some tools my life for just this reason.

Run Wild, Run Free,



  1. Kudos to you for being brave enough to speak up about this and put yourself out there. Society stigmatizes mental illness, and this is so harmful to those who struggle with, those who love people who struggle with it, and those who are trying to find remedies for it. Every person that speaks up about their struggles brings us a little closer to breaking down those walls.

    1. Thanks so much Heather. That was a great way to put it and it's exactly what people who suffer with a mental illness need to hear.

  2. What you have said really resonates with me and makes me feel a bit better. Especially since I am going through a major hip injury and changing careers the struggles of staying positive and not having the outlet of the mtns and trails has been rough to say the least. I have known for quite some time I have had and am going through depression but like you said, to bring it up is tough. I know there are other trail runners out there dealing with this but to have you open up publicly about it makes it very relatable and almost as if part of the weight has been lifted off me and I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. I follow many trail blogs out there but yours gives us all more of a connectedness. Thank you!

    1. Jim- thanks for your words. They made me feel better. As long as people like you think I'm helping, I'll keep on sharing. I'm with you as you keep on putting one foot in front of the other.


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