Believe

Suffer Well….

This is what Rachel and I tell each other and others before races. There will always be suffering at points whether in a race or in life. You have two options. Handle it like crap (which is understandable and I’ll admit to doing this for most of my life) or handle it well, which is what I’ve become “decent” at now.

I realize the more bad races I have, the less people read my blog, but that’s okay. One day I’ll look back on this and be able to show it to someone who could use a little hope.

If you do actually follow my blog, or even look at my fb page, you’ll know racing has led to a lot of frustration within a year and even some tears.  I’ve been down way more than I’ve been up when it comes to racing (this does not go for training). A huge part of this was due to the fact my iron was ridiculously low, possibly among other things since it looks like I most likely not only have a gluten allergy but celiac’s disease (most celiac’s have trouble not only with iron, but also other vitamins like b12, k, etc).  Energy has come back with heme iron pills, and it feels good not to be tired all the time. Honestly, it was a great “real” excuse to run like crap. Now I have only myself to blame.

I wasn’t going to write a blog. I really had nothing good to say about this race. I started the race, I felt great, and for 20 miles I felt like I was almost effortlessly in 2^nd/3rd place, not wanting to push harder till the 2^nd half. Then my stomach started hurting. Those of you who know me know that even if I didn’t have celiac’s disease my stomach is very sensitive. I can run through most things, but my stomach is different. It hurt worse and worse, I couldn’t eat or drink anymore, and my energy was slipping away. I got passed twice at mile 29 or 30 to put me in 4^th. Between miles 29-30 I puked 4 times. Still, I completed the first loop and prayed my stomach pain would pass and I could run again. I made it a quarter mile from the turn around. It was about time I hit rock bottom.

Rock Bottom:

I already thought I hit rock bottom getting lost at RRR100. I was really mad at myself for being an idiot at TNF50 for not eating enough, but I still figured I was on my way up. I guess not yet. As I walked down the trail I felt nauseous and dizzy, I knew I wasn’t going to make it.  I walked into the woods, out of sight from those on the trail, laid on the ground, and puked on and off the next half hour. When I knew I was done, I started walking back, and then puked another 3 times.  (I’m pretty sure I know why this happened)

I felt a little broken. Racing never used to come this hard. The sacrifices I have made to run and travel can be a little ridiculous, especially when they have gotten me nowhere lately. I went from talking to Montrail about a sponsorship to being scared to even ask for one within a year.

In reflection yesterday though, I remembered I hit rock bottom 4-5 winters back in my personal life, and that was much worse. Similarly, I was lying on the floor that night and puked as well, but for much uglier reasons. That was suffering badly. There was no beauty in that solitary night. No, hitting rock bottom in running sucks, but I could handle it.

I knew I had to keep in together till I was alone from the weekend. (There’s an amazing guy in my life who I wanted to celebrate with after his USA 100k win and CR and it’s almost impossible not to smile around him.) I was sure the tears would come making the long drive back to Buena Vista from the Denver airport. Instead, I had a voice telling me in my head, the surest voice I’ve heard in a long time, that this struggle was (just about) over. Who knows if that’s actually true, but I actually really believe things with running are going to begin to work out. I’ve been so unsure and indecisive on so many things most of my life, but I’ve never felt so sure that I was meant (and can) reach my goals with this beautiful sport/ lifestyle.

So I’ve hit rock bottom for running. Some goals have to be put on delay. I still have to suck it up and work 2-3 work shifts a day. BUT I know I’m going to do this. It’s about time I not only try to convince myself that I believe in me, but that I actually do BELIEVE in me.

"Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”