Time to Change

Hey Friends,

It's time for a change. Please keep checking back for updates made to my blog. Any positive and constructive criticism will be appreciated. Let me know if there is any change you would like to see. Right now you can click on my videos tab as some videos have already been posted.

Enjoy the present moment,

Sandi

Believe

Suffer Well….

This is what Rachel and I tell each other and others before races. There will always be suffering at points whether in a race or in life. You have two options. Handle it like crap (which is understandable and I’ll admit to doing this for most of my life) or handle it well, which is what I’ve become “decent” at now.

I realize the more bad races I have, the less people read my blog, but that’s okay. One day I’ll look back on this and be able to show it to someone who could use a little hope.

If you do actually follow my blog, or even look at my fb page, you’ll know racing has led to a lot of frustration within a year and even some tears.  I’ve been down way more than I’ve been up when it comes to racing (this does not go for training). A huge part of this was due to the fact my iron was ridiculously low, possibly among other things since it looks like I most likely not only have a gluten allergy but celiac’s disease (most celiac’s have trouble not only with iron, but also other vitamins like b12, k, etc).  Energy has come back with heme iron pills, and it feels good not to be tired all the time. Honestly, it was a great “real” excuse to run like crap. Now I have only myself to blame.

I wasn’t going to write a blog. I really had nothing good to say about this race. I started the race, I felt great, and for 20 miles I felt like I was almost effortlessly in 2^nd/3rd place, not wanting to push harder till the 2^nd half. Then my stomach started hurting. Those of you who know me know that even if I didn’t have celiac’s disease my stomach is very sensitive. I can run through most things, but my stomach is different. It hurt worse and worse, I couldn’t eat or drink anymore, and my energy was slipping away. I got passed twice at mile 29 or 30 to put me in 4^th. Between miles 29-30 I puked 4 times. Still, I completed the first loop and prayed my stomach pain would pass and I could run again. I made it a quarter mile from the turn around. It was about time I hit rock bottom.

Rock Bottom:

I already thought I hit rock bottom getting lost at RRR100. I was really mad at myself for being an idiot at TNF50 for not eating enough, but I still figured I was on my way up. I guess not yet. As I walked down the trail I felt nauseous and dizzy, I knew I wasn’t going to make it.  I walked into the woods, out of sight from those on the trail, laid on the ground, and puked on and off the next half hour. When I knew I was done, I started walking back, and then puked another 3 times.  (I’m pretty sure I know why this happened)

I felt a little broken. Racing never used to come this hard. The sacrifices I have made to run and travel can be a little ridiculous, especially when they have gotten me nowhere lately. I went from talking to Montrail about a sponsorship to being scared to even ask for one within a year.

In reflection yesterday though, I remembered I hit rock bottom 4-5 winters back in my personal life, and that was much worse. Similarly, I was lying on the floor that night and puked as well, but for much uglier reasons. That was suffering badly. There was no beauty in that solitary night. No, hitting rock bottom in running sucks, but I could handle it.

I knew I had to keep in together till I was alone from the weekend. (There’s an amazing guy in my life who I wanted to celebrate with after his USA 100k win and CR and it’s almost impossible not to smile around him.) I was sure the tears would come making the long drive back to Buena Vista from the Denver airport. Instead, I had a voice telling me in my head, the surest voice I’ve heard in a long time, that this struggle was (just about) over. Who knows if that’s actually true, but I actually really believe things with running are going to begin to work out. I’ve been so unsure and indecisive on so many things most of my life, but I’ve never felt so sure that I was meant (and can) reach my goals with this beautiful sport/ lifestyle.

So I’ve hit rock bottom for running. Some goals have to be put on delay. I still have to suck it up and work 2-3 work shifts a day. BUT I know I’m going to do this. It’s about time I not only try to convince myself that I believe in me, but that I actually do BELIEVE in me.

"Each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible.”

Beautiful Girl by Sandi Nypaver

Here it is: Beautiful Girl

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B-1uo5A7-UCzQ3luZjJJTWIxZnM (revised and hopefully final copy)

Rachel Nypaver and her little sister

Please feel free to print out to give to the beautiful women in your life. Might make a perfect stocking stuffer.

 

This book is dedicated to….

The little girls who know they are beautiful, just because their loved ones tell them.

The little girls who have started comparing themselves to others and are doubting their own beauty…. You are absolutely gorgeous inside and out!

The beautiful women who have struggled with confidence, body issues, eating disorders, depression, etc. May you get to a place where you see beauty in your struggle and realize your mind is more beautiful because of it.

All the women who realize what the media portrays as beautiful is absolutely wrong. Together, it is time to create a force stronger than the media and show girls of

every age what real beauty is again.

My beautiful sisters Amanda and Rachel Nypaver, I love you with all my heart. Rachel, you will forever and always be my hero.

The Year of the Struggle

and Awesome Alpine Adventures (with the help of my great running brother Jon)


"We got no money, but we got heart"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc 

(Something to listen to as you read- it's my all time favorite song)

I feel like I almost subconsciously asked for a year of struggling. It was really nice having started off my ultra- running career so well, but I have always loved a story about someone overcoming obstacle after obstacle, struggle after struggle, and then perseveres at the end. After already overcoming many huge (to me anyway) struggles in my life, I was really hoping to not have to go through many struggles with running, my safe place. But of course, life never stops handing over tests of mental strength. In this story, I will have to become my own heroine. TNF 50 showed me I’m slowly getting back up on my feet, but I have a lot to work on from big things to small things- like to stop being an idiot when it comes to eating in ultras and actually get in enough calories (in my own defense I’m allergic to gluten and so it really sucks when aid stations don’t have gels like at TNF and then I can only fit a few in my carry-on liquid/gel bag). For those of you who I have told about suffering from very low iron from the beginning of the year till recently- my iron level rose by 30 which puts me on the low-normal side and my ferritin level is still a bit low. Hopefully that will continue to improve as well, as that has really hurt (huge understatement) my running this year.



The North Face 50



So while I sit here typing this, I can’t help but feel a little sad of everything I sacrificed this year in hopes of reaching my dreams. However, as always, I still believe I will one day soar, and that everything happens for a reason. For instance (for those who follow my blogs regularly) me worrying that I wouldn't have a place to live when it got below freezing has led me to living in a place for free without a lease, and not moving to Durango in September like I had wanted has definitely led to some interesting, and I think good, turns. I also can't help feel a little proud that I have handled things this year better than I ever had in the past. I love running, how it has changed my life, and I will do absolutely everything I can to reach my dreams. Till that day, I will keep dreaming of running on trails all over the world, and I will fly the best that I can on the trails and through the trials before me.

“One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”

If all goes well this will be me again come spring

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! Ohioans hit me up for a run in the CVNP in a few weeks. 

With love,

Sandi

(Please look back on my previous blog about women's oppression. Some of the stories I wrote about really show what a tough woman is.)

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

Women's Oppression- We help because these are our mothers, daughters, friends, and loved ones

"When I treat rape victims, I tell girls not to go to the police," Dr. Syed added. "Because if a girl goes to the police, the police will rape her."

Women’s Oppression Info Week:

Since learning about the living hell women go through every day throughout the world, I have become horrified, sad, and angered. I haven’t been sure of the best way to help, but I have to start doing something. So every...

day this week I will post stories, information, quotes, etc to raise awareness. Some things will be hard to read and deeply disturbing, but its important people become more educated on the subject.

Please, read the posts and share them with friends, family, repost them, etc.

Why? Because if you needed help, you’d hope someone would come help you.

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What STRONG is: Mukhtar Mai

Mukhtar's younger brother was gang raped by a higher status clan. The higher clan covered up their crime by saying the boy raped a higher status girl. Mukhtar represented her famil...

y in court and tried to apologize for her brother (it was pointless to say the clan lied). The council concluded the apology wasn't enough and SENTENCED Mukhtar to be gang raped. They dragged her to a barn where four men raped her while a crowd waited outside. She then had to walk home almost naked, while preparing to do what any Pakistan girl was EXPECTED to do: kill herself. Suicide was deamed the only way a girl could cleanse herself and her family. Thankfully, Mukhtar's parents prevented that option. Over time Mukhtar's feelings changed from humiliation to rage. The rage turned into action. While Mukhtar fears for her life every day from government threats, check out this site to see what STRONG is: http://www.mukhtarmai.org/

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I had trouble just writing some of this...

17 year old Dina walked home from work in a bean field. Five Hutu militia members surrounded her. All had guns and knives, and one carried a “stick”. They told her “If you cry out, we will kill you.” The 5 men raped her. Then they held her down and shoved the “stick” in her which broke into her bladder and rectum causing fistula. She was found half dead ...

and temporarily paralyzed. Thankfully, her family heard about HEAL Africa, a hospital that fixed her injuries and got her walking again.

Please realize this is something that happens daily in parts of the world. Eastern Congo is the rape capital of the world. Even a 3 year old girl was raped and then had a gun fired into her.

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http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-how-to-make-the-talibans-heads-explode?c=ufb1&buffer_share=a0197&utm_source=buffer

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"When a girls' junior high school caught fire in 2002, the religious police allegedly forced teenage girls back in the burning building rather than allow them to escape without head coverings and long black cloaks. Fourteen girls were reportedly burned to death. " -From the book Half the Sky

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(please realize that most stories don't end up with a fair ending)
How one woman inspired change:

“They say he (Akku Yadav) took one woman, Asha Bhagat, and tortured her in front of her daughter and several neighbors by cutting off her breasts. Then he sliced her into pieces on the street.” Akku constantly committed these barbaric acts against women and the police ra...

rely intervened except to accept cash bribes. Daughters were taken out of school to be kept inside their homes.
One day Usha (her family was higher educated so Akku stayed away) went to the police after Akku raped a 13 year old girl. Akku then went to Usha’s house with 40 thugs to threaten her. She refused to back down and turned on the gas in her house and got a match. As Akku threatened to break in, Usha threatened to blow everyone up. Akku and the thugs stepped back. The neighbors saw Usha fighting back and gained courage. They picked up sticks and stones and threw t them towards Akku and he turned himself in for protection.
A bail was scheduled and word spread that the police were going to release him as part of a bargain. Hundreds of women marched to court. When Akku saw some of the women he raped he mocked them and told them he would do it again. Hundreds of women then took turns stabbing him to death, right in court.

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http://saynotoviolence.org/commit

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This video ROCKS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwEhKu3T51Q&feature=share
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Two Wrong Turns

http://youtu.be/NRtWInxI1pg 

“Damn. This can’t be happening again. Please, not again.”

These were my thoughts as I realized I had my second wrong turn during 2 races within 2 weeks.

Run Rabbit Run:

Very low iron for months left me slower no matter how hard I worked. Still, I figured it out and my energy was coming back. If anything, pushing myself through physical fatigue left me feeling mentally prepared.

Months back, I signed up to run a 100 miles in the beautiful mountains of Steamboat, Colorado. Months, I’ve been dreaming about the climbs I would face in the dark.

The race started straight up a mountain, I was happy, I was mentally strong. A bend in the trail, a sign saying “100 milers this way”.  Yet, that wasn’t the way (as many others found out throughout the day). 6 miles out of the way I went. A distance too hard to make up. A distance that left me dehydrated and puking when I finally got something to drink. My preparation would be useless; this wasn’t going to be my day. I was devastated, to say the least. Tears. No place to call home. No family by my side. I didn’t feel like smiling.

Thankfully, nature can heal.

Devil Mountain 50k:

“One hell of a run”

I just need something, a boost, a little confidence. I need to feel the burn in my lungs, and the changing of mountain leaves.

One week before the race, I click on the register button.

I start out fast, and it couldn’t feel better. 3 men ahead of me when I reach the intersection of ribbons. They went right. There are ribbons in both directions, definitely more to the right. I pause, waiting for someone else. He says right. I go right. Ribbons for about a quarter mile and then nothing.  Nothing till a mile later till there’s an intersection and many people on another trail. A mile added to my distance. 3 men in front of me to 40 people.  A mental battle was fought and won. I can catch up, I know I can. 10 women were passed in 6 miles to regain the lead. Tired legs from too match effort playing catch up. I’m hiking up the mountain when I should be running. “It’s okay; just do your best Sandi. Believe.”

The last aid station arrives. Two good men beside me. One great fried. “Just do your best.” A few miles to go: A steep hill. PUSH! A rolling dirt road. PUSH! I embrace the pain; I know I can hang on.

The finish. 1^st place overall. Barely missed the course record (with a harder course?), stupid wrong turn. Proud- I didn’t give up. Hope…. My dreams are still there. Mountains. My home.

Now:

In a motel room. MY motel room. For now. Working here for a couple of months. A free room. Still loving playing with big hearted kids at the Boys & Girls Club. I couldn’t leave them (kids) yet. They begged me to stay. They made me better. I love them. No, I couldn’t leave yet. Then, I don’t know. I will sail by the wind.

Two months to go. Lots of work ahead. Faith. Sacrifice. Beauty. Mountains. My heart. Let’s see what I can do with two months of being healthy. Hellgate 100k or North Face 50? Will my indecisiveness ever stop? Doubtful. That’s okay, things seem to work out.

I explain my crazy, indecisive, unsure life to a friend. Friend asks:” Would you have it any other way?” Me: “Absolutely not.” A smile on my face.

Buena Vista: Home for now

Home??? Where are my ruby red slippers? (and of course current updates)

"She goes no more to the places she used to be. She goes to fly now into life's mystery." -J. Richman


LOST…. To a little less lost. That’s kinds how I feel about the past year.

Well…. not exactly lost, or not really in a bad way, and somewhat at home while lost.

Over the past month I’ve had the same lyrics go through my head every time I feel completely confused about what decisions to make about my life:

“I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away. I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is.” (Nelly Furtado)

Possibly sounds a little corny, but those words have become comforting. I don’t hear them like they’re negative, rather, that I’m still flying, just going by the wind instead of by step by step directions.

In August, I completed a year of Service with AmeriCorps at the Boys and Girls Club of Buena Vista (while living in Salida). AmeriCorps was great- I got some great experiences, learned a lot, and lived on a small living allowance to see what it was like living under the poverty level. I’ve made huge messes with paint and sequins, built fortes, helped kids raise money for Impossible2Possible through running, flown kites, and also had my patience tested when kids go off the deep end. Best of all, I have formed some beautiful relationships with the kids at the club and always get greeted with hugs from the little kids to the big kids. I’ve also seen what can happen behind the scenes in organizations where normalcy isn’t normal. The staff changes, budget cuts, staff hours cut (not mine b/c I was AmeriCorps), and much more was sometimes frustrating to take in. Not mainly for me, but for other staff and the kids.

Another great experience I have taken away from AmeriCorps is the humility of being poor. AmeriCorps hopes volunteers get this experience. We really aren’t given enough money to pay bills and for food comfortably, so AmeriCorps encourages all volunteers to use Food Stamps. Before this year, never in my life did I think that I would be using food stamps. But, that’s what I was told to do, and also needed to do. Even though the Safeway was closer to my apt, and I have unsure feelings about Walmart, I mainly shopped at Walmart because I felt even more self-conscious about using food stamps at Safeway. It was also interesting to think about food stamps while using them and gain a better understanding of people who have used them for years. I won’t get into that so much because I think my studies in social science and experiences have given me beliefs (or understandings) that may be disagreeable. Lastly, AmeriCorps really had reaffirmed how much I love serving others and how important I think it is. For those of you who are unaware, there will be no AmeriCorps volunteers at the Boys & Girls Clubs of Colorado this year due to budget cuts. Please learn about these things in your state because I really don’t think it is good to cut out service programs right now. The B&GC’s really depended on some of the AmeriCorps volunteers and they will be hurting this year without them.

But that’s not why I’m flying with no idea where to land. Although I will admit the lack of income the past year is preventing me from just going off and exploring Colorado the next month as the leaves begin to change.

I’ve had a BEAUTIFUL summer exploring mountains and high alpine trails. My heart soared and I’ve never felt so at home, or exactly where I was supposed to be in my life. I get butterflies just thinking about some of the places my feet have taken me this summer. My mind and heart felt completely, 100%, at home.  But, I always have to come down from the mountains, my home with a hole in the roof.  I come back to beautiful small towns I really enjoy, but rarely have anyone to share them with. There were great little festivals all over this summer but when alone, I just browse around for a little bit and then wonder what to do. I miss my family, always feeling guilty and sad on missed birthdays and holidays. My dad’s 60^th surprise birthday party is tomorrow… I should be there. My family and Ohio friends are my home too, I don’t feel complete without them, but I also can’t deny my personal growth this year from living a calmer way of life in the mountains and small towns. I now realize, that I will always have a part of me that will be missing something, but I hope knowing that I am loved will keep the rain out of the hole.



If only Rach (and Steve!) would move to Colorado!  :) (Rach on right)



About running…….

Unfortunately, I have felt physically “off” for a long time. I know going up a mountain there is nothing to do but work hard, and it will hurt a little, but I really thought I should be feeling better. I felt myself getting tired easier and easier, only moving on because I adored where my feet had taken me that day. Finally, I went to the doctor so I could get some blood tests and found out my iron was very low. I eat tons of things with iron (though admittedly no red meat…I really loved driving pass the little calves this past spring) and took iron supplements, but my body wasn’t absorbing it. Common in distance runners, main symptom is fatigue, and it takes a month + to get to normal. I found this out two weeks before the Pikes Peak Marathon.  Two days later I pulled my calf muscle and couldn’t run the rest of the week. New Pikes Peak Goal: just finish. I did finish in 10^th, and it hurt.  I deeply missed the spring in my step that I haven’t had in months, but I was still happy to push on and be on the mountain.  Though a week later I won the small (but huge in beauty and fun) Silverton Alpine Marathon after a week full of adventures in Southern Co with Rach, my confidence is almost shot going into Run Rabbit Run. I was hoping to improve this summer, but my speed work out times ended up getting slower as the summer progressed. I am feeling better now, but I just don’t know if the quality of this summer’s training will be enough.  My hope lies in knowing that while I am physically not in the shape I hoped to be in, I still have a deep passion in my heart for 100 miles and the mountains. I will go into the 100 miles with no crew or pacer, just with knowledge of the love of others who support me, and the love I have gained for myself this past year.  If nothing else, I WILL finish.

Of course I fell (Pikes Peak)

Just doing my best to get to the top. (Sometimes it's all we can do)

Starting my descent at the Silverton Alpine Marathon

                Last weekend, I moved out of my apartment. I packed everything I own, once again, in my car (not without 2 stops to the donation center). I didn’t just drive to another apartment and unpack. I don’t know where I want to go or what I want to do…again. Really, I just want to quit my part time job and explored the mountains before the snow comes, but with hopes of one day traveling to New Zealand or other foreign lands, that isn’t a possibility right now. However, much to my family’s dismay, it’s a bit of a relief to be back in my tent the last month of summer. I don’t have the pressure of committing to a place I’m not sure I want to be just yet and I get to wake up already outside.


My gym while camping



“Sail by the wind sailor, turn by the wind.”